Breaking Free
by HeRa2504
Summary: post-ep 6x19 "Brown-Eyed Girls" - Jane confesses his true feelings to Lisbon, then wants to leave to let her life her live. Can she stop him?


_Author`s note: This story was written in between 6x19 Brown-Eyed Girls and 6x20 Il Tavolo Bianco. At the moment it contains 2 chapters, but I might add some more. I know how the story goes on in my mind, but I`m not sure if I want to write that right now. I already have something else on my mind._

_This chapter is mostly sad, Rating could be K, I guess - but the next chapter will be fluffier and definitely M!_

_Disclaimer: not mine_

**Breaking Free**

Chapter One

Teresa Lisbon was sitting in her dark living room, trembling. Not out of cold, but out of fear. She felt utterly lonely and desperate, like never before in her life.

She`d been angry at Jane for not questioning her about Marcus`s offer, foolishly assuming that somehow he would know - and then she`d been angry at herself when Abbott pointed out the possibility that probably he didn`t know if she hadn`t told him. She had felt like a stupid little girl in that moment.

So, when they had left Daniela`s hospital room earlier this evening she had gathered all her courage and told him. She didn`t know what she was expecting from him. But when all he`d said was "Congratulations, I guess" it had felt like a slap in her face. She couldn`t believe that he actually didn`t care whether she was leaving or not. Silly her for thinking he might care about her. That she might mean more to him than that.

She had managed to keep her emotions in check while she accompanied Marcus to the club, but when he`d asked her to come home with him, she had declined politely, saying she was exhausted after the long day. Which wasn`t even a lie – she felt totally drained, both physically and emotionally.

As soon as she had entered her home, closed the door behind her, she had collapsed, crying violent tears. For what she didn`t even know.

When the tears had finally stopped she`d tried to analyze her feelings. One thing she was absolutely sure of after tonight was that she wasn`t in love with Marcus. He was sweet and caring, but she couldn`t picture spending the rest of her life with him. She hadn`t even seriously considered moving to D.C. with him. So why had she made it sound to Jane like she did? Why was she so angry with him the whole time? Why did his careless reaction bother her that much?

She knew that she cared about him, deeply. He was her friend, in fact had been the most important person in her life for many years. But the deep hurt and despair that she`d been feeling lately whenever he was around indicated something that went far deeper than just friendship. She was scared to look at it too closely because if she did, if she acknowledged the true nature of her feelings for him, they could destroy her.

Maybe they already had. She didn`t know what to do anymore. Moving to D.C. was out of the question, she didn`t want to be with Marcus anymore. But the way things were right now between her and Jane she doubted that she would be able to stay in Austin, keep working with him, either. So, what other options did she have? Going back to California? Maybe she could stay with Wayne and Grace for a while, until she figured out what to do.

Suddenly she felt unearthly tired. She just wanted to close her eyes and escape from this mess she`d found herself in.

A knock on her door startled her. With a deep sigh she got up from her couch, dragging herself to the door slowly. There was only one person in the world who would dare to bother her at this time of night. And he was about the last person she wanted to see right now.

Standing on Lisbon`s porch close to midnight, Jane felt more than a little nervous, anxious even. There once had been a time when this had been a perfectly normal thing for him to do, a time where they`d been close to each other. Now he felt like an intruder into her life, not welcome anymore, though this was the only place he truly wanted to be.

It made him feel so incredibly sad and lonely to think that finally – after all those years – she had enough of him. That she`d moved on and found happiness with someone else. He knew that he had no right to complain about it. He`d been aware of his feelings for her for a long time, but even with Red John gone he couldn`t find the courage to tell her. He had made her wait, expected her to be there for him like she`d always been.

But now it seemed he just waited too long, that he had finally lost her for good. The thought made him shake with fear. He would be nothing without her, she`d been his only reason for living for many years. But he wouldn`t stand in her way, wouldn`t keep her from being happy, even if it destroyed him. If she truly wanted to leave he would let her go. There was just one thing he needed to do before he would retreat and let her live her life, possibly without him. He needed at least to tell her how he truly felt about her.

She had broken his heart at the hospital today. Although she`d been going out with Pike for some weeks now, he somehow thought that sooner or later she would break up with him again. He knew her, she`d never been quite the relationship type. So, he hadn`t taken it seriously and now hearing her talk about possibly moving to D.C. had shattered his world into a million pieces. The great Patrick Jane hadn`t seen this one coming.

He`d briefly considered going after them, making a scene in front of Pike and whoever else was around, but for once in his life he decided to be reasonable. Doing something like that would only drive her farther away from him. He`d retreated to his Airstream, restlessly pacing it for hours like a caged animal, trying to figure out what to do. But no matter how much he thought about it, he always came to the same conclusion. There wasn`t anything he could do anymore. Except being completely honest with her.

And so here he stood in the middle of the night, nervously playing with his fingers, waiting for her to open the door. He hoped she was alone.

Lisbon stepped out onto her front porch, watching Jane warily. He looked tired – and sad. Probably she looked the same, she thought. He smiled cautiously at her.

"Jane, what do you want? It`s late, I`m tired" she said. It came out harsher than she intended to and she cringed internally. The small smile vanished immediately from his face. It made her want to cry again.

"Sorry, Lisbon. I didn`t mean to bother you and – " his eyes darted to her closed front door before he continued "well – I just wanted –" He was searching for the right words, not wanting to make her angrier or upset her more than she already was.

Lisbon sensed his uneasiness, noticing with surprise how nervous he was. She`d never seen him act like this, especially not around her. How could everything have become this awkward between them? They used to be so close to each other, feeling comfortable in each other`s presence. Now he acted like she could explode any second.

Jane took a deep breath and gathered his courage to look her in the eye. He was not a coward, dammit, and he would not back off this time. He looked at her openly, affectionately.

"There`s something I need to tell you, Teresa." The use of her first name and the soft tone of his voice made her heart clench. She looked at him closely, waiting for him to continue.

"I lied to you" he said. "At the hospital. When you asked me if I was upset. I lied. I am upset. Very upset. The thought of you leaving is making me sick to my stomach."

"Jane" she started, but he interrupted her immediately, just wanting to get this over with.

"No, please, let me finish. I don`t want you to go, Teresa. I need you. You`re all that matters to me."

She looked at him mesmerized, tears beginning to fall, but not daring to say a word.

Jane swallowed, his voice thick with emotion when he spoke again. "I know I have no right to ask you to stay. You have chosen to be with someone else. I have to accept that although it is breaking my heart to see you with him. I`ve been stupid, I missed my chance and now I`ll have to live with the consequences. Don`t worry, I will not stand in your way. But I need you to know what you mean to me. And I want to apologize. I know I hurt you. A lot, many times. I`m so sorry for that."

His voice was barely more than a whisper now.

"I –" he extended his hand to her. "I want you to have this."

He waited `til she held out her hand, too, then put something into her palm, closing her fingers around it. Lisbon didn`t look, just let her hand drop again. She was crying heavily now, fear gripping her heart. She wasn`t able to speak.

Jane took a step closer to her, softly wiping the tears from her face. "It`s okay" he said. "I just want you to be happy. I love you, Teresa. With all my heart."

He bowed down to press a soft kiss to her lips, then quickly turned around and walked to his car, not giving her a chance to respond. He didn`t look back. He didn`t want her to see his own tears streaming down his face.

Lisbon was too shocked to move, her heart was racing madly in her chest. She felt dizzy and cold, only her lips burned where he`d touched them with his. She wanted to yell after him, run after him, but when she finally regained control over her body again, he was already gone.

She stared at her still tightly closed fist, opening it slowly to look at what he`d given her. When she recognized the object lying on her palm, she started to tremble all over. It was his wedding band. Without conscious thought she grabbed her keys and raced to her car. She had to find him.


End file.
